Most of these are hilarious. Some are explicit or offensive – proceed at your own risk.
General | Geeky | Women Power | Sex
- Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
- Half of the people in the world are below average.
- Life in a vacuum sucks.
- Politics: Poli (many) – tics (blood sucking parasites)
- To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so
- Computers can never replace human stupidity
- You’ll get what’s coming to you … Unless mailed
- You’re only young once; you can be immature f’ever
- On a tombstone: “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK”
- I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather,
not screaming, terrified, like his passengers - When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- “Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s hand grenades I throw…”
- “Suicide Hotline…please hold.”
- “To err is human, to forgive….$5.00″
- Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
- A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
- A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
- A pessimist is never disappointed.
- All life’s answers are on TV. – Bart Simpson
- All work and no play, will make you a manager.
- Alone: In bad company.
- Always glad to share my ignorance – I’ve got plenty.
- Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out
- As I said before, I never repeat myself.
- Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
- Black holes really suck…
- Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
- Brain dysfunction detected…
- Brain over – Insert coin
- Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
- Chess players mate better.
- Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
- Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
- Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
- Don’t confuse me with facts, my mind’s already made up!
- Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die
- Facts are stubborn things.
- Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth sucks.
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
- I am built for comfort, not speed!
- I don’t care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
- I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
- I think, therefore I am. I think.
- I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
- I tried switching to gum but I couldn’t keep it lit.
- I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect
- I’m not a complete idiot – several parts are missing.
- I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.
- If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
- If I save time, when do I get it back ?
- If at first you don’t succeed, put it out for beta test
- If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
- If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
- If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
- In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
- Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
- It’s not just a hobby, it’s an obsession!
- Just do it.
- Just did it.
- Just do me.
- Justice: A decision in your favour.
- Kill them all! … Let God sort them out.
- Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
- My message above. Your response here ____________.
- Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
- So many lawyers, so few bullets.
- So many pedestrians, so little time.
- Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
- Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
- Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
- Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
- The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
- The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
- This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
- Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
- Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
- Was today really Necessary?
- Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- Who is “they” anyway?
- Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
- You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
- You can’t have everything…where would you put it?
- If Clinton is the answer it must be a stupid question.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips
- Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!
- I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
- Lottery: A tax on people who don’t understand statistics.
- A man is not complete until he is married — then he is finished.
- Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
- Im not as think as you drunk i am.
- I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.
- Eat shit! A million flies can’t be wrong.
- You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
- Life is not a cabaret. It’s a fucking circus.
- Born an Asshole (The rest grew later)
- Heaven won’t have me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
- Same shit, different day.
- To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home
- Sign on baby’s bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
- VENI, VIDI, VISA – I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
- Jesus is coming, look busy
- Jesus Saves — passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
- Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!
- To err is human; To moo is bovine.
- Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss’s ass.
- Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- REHAB is for quitters.
- Death to all fanatics!
- It’s all fun and games,’till someone loses an eye! Then it’s a *SPORT*
- Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit
- Two thirds of Americans can’t do fractions. The other half, just don’t care.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
- Concorde:
Breakfast in London
Lunch in New York
Luggage in Bombay - Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.
- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
- Follow that car, Godzilla — and step on it!
- “Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.” - “Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!”
- Feel lucky???? Update your software!
- Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (yep/Nope)
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
- Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- “Calm down. It’s only ones and zeros.”
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
- Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
- FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue…
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened…
- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
- … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
- Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
- RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
- ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth — reboot universe? (Y/N)
- “I am logged in, therefore I am.”
- The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?
- Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage
- Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding.
- COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
- Computer Lie #1: You’ll never use all that disk space
- Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
- H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
- How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
- I had a life once… now I have a computer and a modem
- It said “Insert disk #3″, but only two will fit!
- NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
- hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
- The name is Baud… James Baud.
- BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
- E Pluribus Modem
- ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
- We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
- Hold a hard drive to your ear — listen to the C:
- Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
- Never run after buses or women: you’ll always get left behind.
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- Men are like toilets: the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit
- God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
- Menstruation, Menopause, Mental Breakdowns..ever notice how all our
problems begin with Men? - Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer
- If you park, don’t drink, accidents cause people.
- 3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
- God invented man because Eve’s vibrator ran out of batteries.
- God invented Women because he wanted a good laugh.
- Assassins do it from behind!
- Sex is like a bridge game: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
- She kept an air of mystery about her. When men asked her name, she’d
say: “Never mind the chit chat…let’s screw.” - 9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.
- Flies spread disease — Keep yours closed!
- Electricians do it till it Hz.
